Congratulations, here’s your new baby. Oh, and now you’re the most fertile you’ve ever been. Enjoy! In this guest blog a Mum and NHS worker talks through the ins and outs of sex after childbirth. It may not be like it was before because, hey, you’re certainly not!
This is a guest post, written by an author who has chosen to feature on EatWeepMumRepeat, and not Lex (the usual blogger).
‘The Shit No One Tells You About…’ series will follow a whole host of parents sharing their unique parenting experiences and stories. If you’d like to take part and write, get in touch at eatweepmumrepeatAToutlookDOTCOM or slide into my DMs on Instagram.
For this blog, the author has chosen to remain anonymous.
TRIGGER WARNING: The following content includes content of a sometimes graphic sexual nature. Wanna get out of here? Click here to leave now.
“Hi! I’m a Mum to two who works in the NHS and I frequently speak with new parents in my professional life. I’m not a midwife but I do work with pregnant and post-natal women.
Sex after birth seems to still be a taboo for many, so I’d like it known that I’m staying anonymous in writing this blog for professional reasons and not personal! You can feel like a whole different person once you’ve given birth (in many different ways) and I wish we were all able to acknowledge and discuss more the issues this can cause in a healthy adult sex life. I hope this blog goes some way to helping generate interest, if not conversation. I’ve been through this twice and both times were different.
This might be quite a frustrating read if you’re googling to find the average time people wait before having sex again after birth or what’s ‘normal’, because it won’t give you any definite answers… because there aren’t any! But here it is. The shit no one tells you about sex after childbirth…
Congratulations on your new baby. You are now fertile AF.
Your body enjoys having a baby so much that the hormone rush it gives you after is so big, you’ll probably never be more fertile than in the first three weeks after birth. Your Midwife will advise you how safe it is for you to have sex again but as soon as you feel ready and have stopped bleeding, you’re good to go (unless you’re healing from a c-section, then take a break, you’re already recovering from surgery). I was in hospital with my first baby for days after on a bay bed surrounded by other new mums, and some were having sex on the ward (behind the curtains, FYI!!). Each to their own but it wasn’t for me.
To read the NHS advice on contraception after childbirth, click here.
Some new mums don’t have sex again for literally YEARS. It’s more common than you’d expect!
I was surprised at how many mums were conceiving their new babies before they’d even weaned the first but once I started speaking to other parents further past the newborn stage, I found that it was more common for couples not to get back ‘at it’ right away. I have met parents now who haven’t had sex for literal years after having their baby/babies and I can relate to that. Whether you feel you need 8 hours or 18 months, you need to take your time. You’ve got a lot going on in your life now, after all!
Sex after birth can feel very different. The stuff that you liked before, you might not like now.
It should go without saying that your body changes after having a baby, whichever way they came out. Your body feels different and the things that worked for you before might not anymore. Heterosexual sex conventionally focuses primarily on the male orgasm – sometimes barely stimulating the female at all. You and your partner need to try giving things a go in new ways: you may have scar tissue in places you didn’t have before and feel drier and less easily turned on as a result. This is totally normal due to oestrogen levels dropping post-birth but is usually temporary (if it’s not, go and chat with your GP). If one position or environment doesn’t work, don’t feel downhearted. Try something different when you’re ready again.
If you’ve given birth vaginally you may also find that things feel a little ‘wider’ than they were before. But even that’s not a given! If you’ve had lots of stitches, you may even be tighter. Everyone is different.
To read the NHS advice on vagina changes after childbirth, click here.
If you’d been trying to get pregnant, sex for fun and not function could be a whole new world!
Once your planned little delight has arrived, your sex life can go from functional to recreational. This seems like it should be an easy switch but really isn’t always a simple mental shift. My babies were planned and after the first, it felt very odd to suddenly move from having sex with my partner to try and get pregnant to doing it just because we wanted to. The pressure was off and it didn’t really matter how it all ended… but it felt weird for a while, just like we were dating again. I didn’t know what to do with myself but we got back to it eventually.
Got milk? You will.
Whether or not you choose to breastfeed, your milk will come in around day three after birth. Any stimulation, even not directly of the nipples, can result in leakage so be prepared for messier-than-usual bedsheets. Unless you really want to surprise your partner, probably best to give them the heads-up this could occur.
Scheduling sex may well be a reality.
It’s not a natural turn-on for most but with a baby in the house and lots on, you and your partner may need to agree a time and place that works for both of you. It may seem really un-sexy to have to plan ahead so if you hate the idea, don’t: but make sure both you and your partner are on the same page and that one of you isn’t expecting the other to initiate or intending to initiate themselves at an awkward time.
You might just not feel like it.
If you’re breastfeeding, you’re probably borderline dehydrated. If you’ve got a screamer, you’re probably sleep deprived. If you’ve got more than one child, you’re probably exhausted (me). If you’re a single mum, you’re probably feeling overwhelmed. If you’re any of the above and a mum to a baby, you’ll be experiencing a hormone peak.
These factors and the thousands of others in your life don’t always coincide with fancying a shag. I’ve said it already above: but take your time! Lots of women say they experience lowered or no libido at all for months after giving birth, and it’s entirely normal. Intimacy doesn’t just come in one form and it might be that you achieve that closeness with your partner in a new way now.
Sex is unlikely to be your first priority for a while, and that’s OK. Take your time and tackle it when you’re good and ready. It’s easy to say ‘don’t worry about it’, I know, but it’s not worth your worry while you have a little one to focus your attention on. You’ll enjoy it again one day, so do it when you’re sure you will; you’ll never regret looking after your baby and yourself first.”